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Sunday
Friday
Friday the 13th
This is an image from an old journal, but seems fitting...
The news I received today wasn't what I hoped for,
but could certainly be whole lot worse.
I am very fortunate that my doctor ordered an ultrasound
to go along with my mammogram, because had I relied solely
on the mammogram results, I would be thinking all was normal.
The ultrasound revealed what the mammogram imaging did not,
that I had a lump. The biopsy has revealed that the lump is
'minimally invasive ductal carcinoma'.
Cancer.
Actually, the image above is how I think I should feel,
but really I'm kind of numb.
I keep expecting to feel scared, sad, upset - but I don't.
I know I need to simply keep moving forward, take the steps
required to remove the cancer, and heal.
I didn't get the news until it was too late for me to reach
the breast specialist who did my previous (non-cancerous) lumpectomy,
so all will have to wait until Monday...
so on I go, trusting
all is well, always
all is well, always,
all is well, always,
all is well, always...
Thursday
November 12
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I finished these pages just before I left to have my biopsy today.
I will get results tomorrow,
along with word about hand surgery.
along with word about hand surgery.
Until then I'm keeping good thoughts,
and know you all are as well,
so thank you!
so thank you!
Monday
at home
"It never occurred to me to leave home to make art."
The quote above comes from a dvd that Lynne Hoppe lent me a few months ago titled What Remains: The Life and Work of Sally Mann.
(here's a clip where these words are spoken)
That phrase struck me as true for myself and my work as well. I know many artists feel the need and desire to travel far and wide, and I used to wonder why I've never had that longing. I love being inspired by the simple things that pass before me.
We've been having a period of Indian summer which has been so nice. Opening the windows to let air in, knowing soon it will be too cold. I wandered around my yard appreciating the breeze, sunshine and beauty around me - feeling inspired by the textures, colors, and minute details longing to be observed, or so it felt.
I went back inside and got my camera, and all the pics you see are some of the things I saw...
check out the cute slug in these two :)
When I came back in, I went into my studio briefly.
From outside my window I heard a skirmish of some sort,
so I went to the window and looked down onto our patio.
I startled the startler - a beautiful red tailed hawk had landed,
probably on the hunt for one of the many critters that visit our bird feeders,
but he took off with empty claws, and flew right by my window!
It was so quick, but so amazing.
Nope, it never occurs to me to leave home to be inspired!
Friday
...November 5-6
It's been an especially long week,
and I've really been missing my journal, creating, and interacting with all of you,
but I've had to listen to my body and it's been loud and clear.
I don't feel able to visually depict the layers
of what I'm experiencing quite the way I want to,
but what I have done starts with the obvious,
words describing the glaring, the blaring;
moving on to color, movement, image;then to where I used dimension but simplicity,
focus and direction.
That's what I was going for anyway,
but I'm not able to do it quite in the way I would,
if I could,
so this is what I ended up with earlier today.
One of the things I've been asking myself to think about,through some of the reading I've been doing,is what kinds of mixed messages do I give myself.In general I am a pretty positive person, and I can always find a way to turn things around and find that 'silver lining'. On the other hand, I am guilty of delivering harsh blows to myself, with my own thoughts, especially when I get feeling overwhelmed, hurt, or tired. So I'm trying to be aware of when those thoughts happen, what triggers them, and how I can turn them around - because if my body is to heal, it needs full throttle self love, which I've discovered is the hardest thing I will probably ever learn to do.Give my own self, unconditional love.I know most of the reasons, and perhaps I'll share some of those some day, but dang if that isn't the most ridiculous thing that we humans struggle with - we can adore our children, our friends, our pets - heck, I do a better job loving a pepper plant some days!I've never been all that comfortable with prayer, in any formal sense of the word. I am also working on that - finding a few words that I can hold close, repeat and truly believe the message of, that I can offer up. I believe that prayers, offerings, words of deliverance can heal, but not if they are scattered in with mixed messages that cause self sabotage, so here's to clear thoughts, and "seeking grace". If you have a special prayer, mantra, or healing poem that you say to yourself, and are willing to share it, I'd love for you to leave it for us all to read.I wasn't planning on sharing this yet, but if I'm going to put full faith in the power of thought and prayer, I'm going to leave you by asking for your prayers. Not coincidently, it seems (considering all I've been thinking about of late, and how I put myself to the test through my body when I take on new challenges) after I finished these pages earlier today, I had to go for my annual breast exam. The mammogram came back looking good, but because of my history, I also had an ultrasound, which found a well defined lump. I'm thinking whew - what if I never had a lump before, I'd have gone merrily on my way, with a clean bill via the mammo, which it still may be, but I feel lucky I had the ultrasound... I will have a needle biopsy done next Thursday, and should have the results by a week from today. In the mean time I'm not worrying, because that's just not what I do. It seems like such a waste, since there's nothing I can do between now and when I get more information. Gathering up good energy I can do, so I'm ready to harvest :)I will keep you posted, and thank you in advance for all I know you will send my way. Love, Karin
Saturday
getting in the mood...
psssst,
yeah, you
come here...
just step on up
there's nothing to be afraid of...
really, there isn't!
to me there's nothing more fun at Halloween,
than a bunch of a skeletons movin' and groovin'
& shakin' their bones!
and i just love cartoons from the 20's and 30's.
this spooky gem was done in 1929
this spooky gem was done in 1929
Enjoy!!
☠
☠
Sunday
a wonderful day
I've been feeling sorry for myself, and spent most of my day in a ball of misery yesterday - feverish, rashes, blazing pain - and the weather - it was frigid, ugly, and nasty enough to match my outer whiner self!
Today I woke slowly, grumpily, still in the thick of it, but outside was almost too perfect - the kind of autumn day imagined and portrayed in a Hallmark movie, but realistically just out of reach because it's a actually a movie set -only it wasn't!!The sun was shining, the air dry, crisp, warm, but not too - the leaves glowing, just beginning to turn orange, red, and golden. Porches are displaying pumpkins, and young families were out walking their dogs and strollers. It would have been thought hokey if it hadn't been what was really going on.I was bound and determined to get myself out into the world. I haven't really been able to do that in a number of weeks, other than for doctor appts, and with autumn being my favorite season - as it is for many - I had to experience it. I've especially missed my favorite Farmers Markets, so my husband and I decided to make it our destination.
up on plenty of fresh everything!
Continuing the Hallmarkesque vibe, Rye was celebrating it's 57th Annual Halloween Window Painting celebration, and the sidewalks were filled with families cheerfully painting ghoulish scenes!!The main street was blocked off, and there was a band playing Beatles music while the young artists painted and others wandered, chatted, and enjoyed the fall air. There couldn't have been a better day to drag my gloomy self out for cheering up!
Watching all these creative budding artists work
on their autumn ritual was the best!
Last week we completed our biggest autumn ritual -
the migration of our plants, from outdoors to in.
It's repeated in reverse each spring, which is much easier.
It's all pretty easy for me - I mostly point,
this poor guy here does the hard work,
suffering the thorns and arrows...
Coming back indoors means removing many pine needles, spiders, mealy bugs,
and discovering a few surprise volunteers that I rush to protect!!
(those are sunflowers in the pot below on the right-
helpful squirrels? or messy birds?!)
We could call it, The Great (mostly) Cacti Migration...
and now they've all found their places, like pieces to a puzzle,
we somehow find the room to fit them all,
even as they grow and multiply!
and let's not forget that it's harvest time...
yup, pepper picking time.
This time we had two generations of peppers in one salad.
The pepper story started here but has all it's chapters scattered through these posts. We're coming up on the two year birthday of this happy fertile plant, my miracle plant, and it's busting all over with blossoms, ready to put forth a whole new bunch of sweet eatin's!As you can see, I am typing, which is progress!! My hand has been improving. I still have difficulty gripping and can't write or do my art making quite yet. I start physical therapy tomorrow, for an added complication - frozen shoulder (or adhesive capsulitis), three times a week. It's also on my right arm, which helps put a damper to my creative expressions, but the therapy should keep me busy and help get me moving hand to paper soon again.Thanks for your continued support and patience as I chug along!
Friday
treats, not tricks
A couple of good blogging friends are doing generous giveaways this month, so I thought I'd help spread the news and your chances for October treats - just go and leave comments for a chance to win!
Saturday
ah these hands
first seen in post the ties that bind
as i thought about my blog, my art, and the necessity of my hands as collaborator to this online escapade, i took a little journey back through my journal and saw the literal inspiration these hands of mine have provided here.
yesterday i had a final injection attempt at remedying
de Quervain's Tenosynovitis without surgery.
If the injection works, we know the diagnosis is correct, which the clinical exam indicates.
i've already had surgery for it in my left hand. if the injection works, but pain returns, surgery will be necessary for my right. the pain has reurned once, so it's fairly likely this will be the outcome.
here's the rub - it's supposed to be a highly successful surgery,
and my left hand still has the same symptoms...
first seen 8/29/08
since i am unable to create at this time, i thought i'd share a look back at the way these remarkable bits of bone, flesh, tendon and nerve have served me,
and you, as observers of my work.
There have been many.
Hands in pain,
healing hands,
hands of hope,
hands in surrender,
playful hands,
seeking hands,
and mostly,
these grateful hands.
They hold that bowl of the limitless Golden All
that you have shared with me with all your supportive
visits and words, filling me with encouragement and care
that i need and value more than you know.
much love, and many thanks,
Karin
I bow in thanks,
emptied
and
refilled.
A revisit to my Hand Book,
October 9-10
It is now the day following the creation of the pages below, and my posting of these pages last night. What has become clear is that I will be needing to take a break from this creative process. I am carefully picking across the key board with my left hand, completely unable to move my right, which sits in my blanket covered lap wrapped in an ice pack.
The quote I share below, which inspired my desire to create and overrode my need for rest with another day of silence here, was heard in a conversation between Caroline Myss and Dr. Mona Lisa Schulz titled Where Medical Intuition Meets Mysticism.I know I've said it before, but here I go again! Chronic pain is a very isolating experience. However, something new about it has been evolving within me. Something that knows there are periods of isolation that are more than okay, that they are what is called for. I believe I am entering into a deeper experience of that kind of time.
When there is a physical crisis, whether it happens to be due to illness, accident, trauma, or in my case all the above, the first thing we do, I did, is seek 'healing'. Look for a fix to the problem. I want to find out what is "wrong" with me, and have it taken care of. Truth be told, I've been on that treadmill off and on for over 20 years, because I've been experiencing chronic physical pain that has interfered with my day to day way of living since 1988.
Though these thoughts have been percolating within me for a while now, the conversation I listened to has clarified my thoughts, taking them further. The question being asked now is, what if all that searching outside of self is exactly the wrong thing to do? What if the process of seeking medical treatments, nutritional balance, holistic care, etc - what if all that is actually just taking me further away from the true "healing" that is needed? When you do everything right, try everything that all the experts, friends, family, and even strangers suggest, and all fail to bring relief, and even make you worse, doesn't that mean something?!I know that all the seeking I've done, healing modalities I've worked with, inner journeying I've traveled - all the experiences that followed my searches have been necessary, and must have been done to get me where I am. However, an essential piece of the puzzle has been less attended to than the body/mind healing mantra.There is a trilogy to healing, and I believe we are made up of equal parts, in this human form. Body, Mind, and Spirit, or Soul, or the Divine within - how ever you may address that third element. I think it often gets lumped into the attention of the Mind, but it lets us know when it is being unattended to. No amount of thinking, pondering, wondering, or even silence is enough for the healing of the soul. When dissatisfaction continues to mount, and the restlessness within churns and stirs, and the physical body sends it's own varied messages - well, I may be a slow learner, but I'm not stupid!
I've rambled on enough for now, the ice did it's trick and my hand is braced so I'm typing with two hands again. While I won't be able to create my work in they way that I have, I will have to find some way to express - it is a Soul need. How I do it will be the key.
Thank you, as always, for your care and divine support!
You're never around more light
than when in the dark night of the soul.
~ Caroline Myss
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